What are you hiding from yourself?

It’s time to come clean. It’s time to ‘fess up.  It’s time to look yourself in the mirror and see who you are, scars, blemishes and all.  You don’t have to share these things with everyone; but at least be honest with yourself. (A)

So after a long absence from this blog, I decided it’s time to start writing again. Because I want to, because I can, because it keeps me honest.  I do have one legitimate excuse for not writing for awhile – I moved a few months ago and have had a hell of a time trying to get the Internet hooked up in this place, but now I’m set again.

I was looking at some of my past blogs and the one that caught my eye was “How about getting off of these antibiotics” which I found kind of amusing because I have been sick for over a week now and finally went to the doctor and got some drugs. I am quite prone to respiratory problems and have quite a large folder built up at my doctor’s office with various times I have come in for these issues.  My regular doctor was out and so I had a new guy I had never seen before.  He flipped through my folder, asked me some general health questions, then closed the folder.  For a long moment, he peered over his glasses at me and then said, “So how is your life going? Are you happy? What is bothering you?”

This completely threw me for a loop.  It’s true that I have been having a lot of trouble focusing on things lately, but don’t have any real reasons to complain.  I am in a good relationship, I have a decent job, I have plenty of friends, I’m finally out of debt…I explained these things to him and as he continued to stare at me he said “I think something is troubling you”.  And inexplicably, I burst into tears.  He started to ask me questions about my family and the more questions he asked, the harder I cried. And all I could think is “Why am I crying?  My life is good!”

He looked at me sympathetically and said, “When I have a patient who is a non-smoker, who comes in frequently with this kind of illness (respiratory, sinus infection, etc.), I often find that they either aren’t getting enough sleep or they are repressing emotional stress. I think you are doing both.”

I didn’t know what to say, but I also couldn’t stop crying.  He gently said, “I think you may have reached a point where you need to do something different or you are going to make yourself seriously ill one of these days and I am not going to be able to help you. I think maybe it might help you to make an appointment to talk to someone to help you figure it out.” I was dumbfounded. I had come here to just get some medicine, not for someone to tell me that I needed to see a therapist!

As I started to calm down, I told him I would think about it. Well, I have been thinking about it all evening…and thinking about all of the times I kept my mouth shut about how I really felt to keep the peace, or because I didn’t think it would make any difference, or because I had to do the dishes or run an errand… But, the truth is, sometimes I don’t think I am even honest to myself about how I feel or what I want. I know that I don’t want to continue be sick.  I have a blog to write, songs to sing, music to create, and yes, dishes to do and errands to run.

So I think I am going to try to start going to bed an hour earlier every night and I have a phone number to call… Peace of mind to all of you and I will be back sooner on this blog. Because this is one thing that I really do want to do. For me.

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